Interlude
by AGENT Kuma-chan
Summary: Longing. That is what he feels when she talks to him on the phone. Complete and utter longing. This is the point where he should cut it off, cut them off before something starts. -Watanuki, Himawari.


**Title:** Interlude

**Fandom:** xxxHolic

**Characters/Pairing:** Watanuki/Himawari

**Warning:** Spoilers for recent chapters, set during the time between Yuuko's disappearance and Himawari's recent phone call. The actual dates might be skewed a little.

**Summary:** _Longing. That is what he feels when she talks to him on the phone. Complete and utter longing._

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His hands curl around the black handset, gripping it tightly as her voice comes over. It has the same sound, he knows it wouldn't change, but he is still surprised when he realizes that.

"How are you, Watanuki-kun?" she asks. Her voice sounds hesitant, worried almost. She knows.

Ignoring the pain that shoots up his spine as he shifts, he chuckles. "Better, Himawari-chan. I've rested a lot."

"No..." There is a pause. What is she thinking? "...wounds?"

Not ones that can be seen-they are all buried too deep to be spotted that easily. He doesn't tell her that. "Of course not!"

There is an awkward pause as she takes it in. Silence reigns on both sides of the phone as they struggle to think of a neutral topic.

(The wounds are too fresh, raw and open for the merest jab.)

This is how they start their conversations-stilted and unsure, their friendship on uneven ground.

-x-

Watanuki dreams of Himawari every now and then. He sees her, in a flower-patterned kimono. Her ribbons are the pale pink of a blush and she has bright smile as she waves to him. A wind blows, petals scattering, and she's calling-

Himawari is laughing, eating his specially prepared lunch. Domeki is sitting next to her, the jerk, and he tries his hardest to ignore him. She thanks him, telling him he's such a good cook-

Crystalline tears fall, slipping between his fingers as Himawari pours her soul out.

A shy glance, a sheepish grin, an excited squeal, she haunts his dreams. Her voice repeats over and over in his dreams, his very own phantom, and she never stays still enough for him to catch her.

Sometimes he gets close enough to touch, his fingers barely brushing her cheeks before she disappears and he wakes up.

(Then he panics-_please, don't let this be a dream-visit, she can't handle those, please, I can't_-)

Those nights are the worst, chipping at his resolve little by little until he's no longer sure of what he wants and what he needs.

-x-

"What are you cooking now?" There's a pleasing lilt in her voice today and automatically, he smiles in response.

"Western pastries. I want to experiment." He wants her to eat them but doesn't voice that thought aloud.

"Hmm..." She's probably imagining it right now, a carefree smile on her face. "I bet it tastes good, since you're cooking it, Watanuki-kun."

She always says that but oddly enough, he never tires of it. "I would be able to tell if Mokona would stop gobbling them all down." A pout takes over his face before he can stop it and he continues the complaint. "All Mokona ever does is eat them before I can get someone else-like Kohane-chan, who is a good taster-to eat them."

Peals of laughter fill the phone and he absorbs it, taking it all in as she gasps for breath. "I'm sure it must be _very_ good, in that case."

It's almost like school once more, those lunches they can never share again.

-x-

Seeing her figure approach, Domeki rises from the bench. He waves, catching her eye, before returning to the cold metal.

A smile graces her face as she walks up to him, waving. The sun shines dimly in the sky behind her and she shivers. It's a stark winter day and nearly no one is outside.

"Good afternoon, Domeki-kun," Himawari greets, moving to sit beside him. He gives her a nod in return. "How are your university courses? You're studying folklore, right?"

"..." He gives her a long look before turning to stare at the empty swing set. "He's fine. There are less mistakes now."

She softly releases her breath, her body relaxing. "That's good." Smiling once more, she turns to face him, an amused look in her eyes. "But I was asking about you, Domeki-kun. I want to know how you are doing as well."

Turning, he sees her, her eyes staring into his directly. "...Aa." She is honest and he can tell that. She always has been, caring for both Watanuki and him, and this much hasn't changed. "Before or after Watanuki?"

"Either. Your choice."

He nods, settling into his seat, and starts to tell her about his trips to the countryside.

-x-

"Happy Birthday," he says, and it strikes him how much he has changed. He used to sing those words, yell them from treetop to treetop.

"Thank you." He can hear the smile on her voice, see the light in her eyes. "A surprise party was held for me."

She talks about her university friends-three girls, excitable and impulsive-and the antics they had. The gifts, the celebrations, they all colour her voice as she talks to him and he closes his eyes, listening carefully. He used to give her this, those presents and meals.

Sitting on the kitchen table is a wrapped bento he made anyways. This morning, before he could stop himself, he started the foundations of the bento. He remembers finishing it anyways, the yearning for those times compelling him to do this small memento.

He also remembers how his world ended and began anew.

-x-

In the end, it is Domeki who tells her. No one else can explain why Watanuki stopped appearing in school until her friend approached her afterschool.

When Himawari finds out what Watanuki did, she goes straight home.

It's all she can do to control herself, to keep from barging in.

She knows what happens when she goes into the shop, so she waits until she understands her feelings. Shock, anger, disbelief, the whole spectrum rushes through her, a wild hot fire consuming everything as she lies on her bed, staring at the night sky.

Next come the questions.

Why did he do it? When will he stop? Will his wish ever come true?

_Why does this hurt so much?_

The last question puzzles her, a tide of confusion swelling and drowning her as she falls asleep that night.

-x-

She visits him, after weeks of almost approaching his shop, on his birthday. For days, she contemplated seeing him but held it off.

She doesn't think about much as she enters, only that there is something darker and more melancholy about him when he opens the door. This is not the Watanuki she saw at school; this is a lost boy, a troubled boy.

This is someone who is on the edge of despair and grief.

Still, he manages to hold it all in. Maybe he grew used to it or maybe his new wish gave him a sense of purpose. It isn't enough to rid him of that cloud, but it is enough that when he smiles at the sight of her, she can believe it is real.

"He told you."

It's a fact, not a question, and she nods. When he starts again, she interrupts. She asks, simply, "Why?"

"Because...I need to grant Yuuko-san's wish."

"..." This, she knows, will be her first and last attempt. "Please don't do this." A bare soul is much more vulnerable to pain but she bares it anyways, ignoring the way Watanuki stares at her. "I...I miss you." Something else catches in her throat, unable to come out. She doesn't know what it is.

"...I know." Watanuki finally replies, closing his eyes. "But I can't. Yuuko-san..." His voice trails off and she knows she's lost him.

Himawari sighs before giving a small smile. It speaks of defeat. "I...understand." This doesn't mean she agrees or accepts.

She only understands and she thinks that is as far as she can go.

When he tells her he can't leave the shop ever again, she doesn't protest, doesn't try to change his mind. She's learned by now it is better to not force beliefs on another. Learned that he is far too stubborn to change like that.

It's when he tries to cut off all ties with her that she starts to fight.

-x-

"Did you like the food I sent you?"

"Yes! The buns were the best-Hiruko-chan ate nearly all of them. She and Misao-chan remind me of you and Domeki-kun. They're such good friends." He gives a wry smile as he hears that. "Everything you made was good, though."

"Thank you." He is more modest now, more quiet. Only when she brings up Domeki or Mokona does he yell or quibble. "And your sweets were tasty, too."

"Oh, I bought them. I'm not that good at cooking. I've been practicing a lot though." She pauses here and he can almost imagine her expression. "I'll try to cook you something this year."

"..." He stares at the phone, at the ebony receiver, before his lips twist into a smile. "Thank you. I'm sure it will taste great."

-x-

She realizes, almost too late, that she loves Watanuki. It is not a sudden shock or a surprise to discover that.

Himawari is lying on her bed, her blanket rumpled around her as she stares at the ceiling. Stacked on the table beside her are her textbooks, a tower that will topple eventually. Glancing at her calendar, she sees the bright red circle, sees the date, and realizes it is Domeki's birthday.

Watanuki is probably celebrating with him.

And it is at that moment, lying in her tidy room, her blinds open as the sun streamed in, that she realizes that she loves him. Misses him. Wants him.

It hurts, that realization, because after it comes the realization that they can only have one visit and numerous phone calls.

She tells him on the same day on the phone, hurt and tired as she is, because it cannot wait.

It's on that day she also decides to go to a university far away. If she goes far enough, she won't go running to the shop when this feeling threatens to overcome her.

(Because Watanuki is still Watanuki, and she can still hurt him due to this.)

-x-

Longing. If he had a word to describe it, it would be longing.

Whenever she calls, it's when he least expects it but needs it the most. She'll start hesitantly, as though checking to see if he's there, if all of him is there and working, her voice a blur of worry and sorrow.

He caused that, he knows.

The conversation goes the same every time, ending with him apologizing and her silent guilt. There is no need for either of that-what is he saying sorry for anyways? Nothing real, nothing tangible, just a crime he thinks he has committed.

Maybe he has.

She loves him, ends nearly every conversation with that. A reaffirmation, as though she's reassuring him, reminding him, _I'm still here. I haven't changed._

This is where he can end it all. They only have the odd phone calls, the scripted dialogue, to sustain them between each annual visit. These words play over and over in his head, bringing forth a face he doesn't fully recognize. It's one made of his imagination, of what he remembers, and he doesn't fully trust that.

He sighs. How long has it been?

A month, three, seven. Time marches ever forward and the only way he marks it is by Domeki's growing wrinkles, by Himawari's annual visits.

During those visits, he wants nothing more than to hold her hand, to feel that she's tangible and not a figment of his imagination.

He knows she lives for those moments. She probably has it worse, even, as he at least has Domeki.

(What has it gotten to, that he can admit that?)

She has only the phone calls and the single visit.

"I love you," she says, and this is the moment where he can end it all. He can release her so easily, let her fall in love with someone else and not act out this tragedy anymore.

With a word, he can let her live her own life.

But-

"I love you, too." It's the truth. He does. There are no lies in this statement. She probably wouldn't believe him if he lied and said he didn't, probably would still keep an eye on him anyways.

The main reason, though, that he admits this is because he's a little selfish. He doesn't want to lose her too.

"See you next week."

The chains have been cast and there's no turning back.

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End file.
